WHOO! DISNEYLAND!

Alrighty, so: In April, I will be going with my best friend to Disneyland! I know it's really dorky, but I'm SUPER-DUPER excited - I've never been to Disneyland, but I've always wanted to go. I know it's a tad lame that I'm so excited to go, being 14 and all, but I really don't care. I'm excited.
But: My friend and I are both swimming addicts, and I know for a fact that we'll spend the majority of our time down at the pools. In bathing suits. There is absolutely no way that I'll be able to enjoy myself if I'm constantly cripplingly self-conscious. So, I intend to - one way or another - lose 20 lbs in 67 days. I know I can do it. I WILL do it. Honestly, if I don't manage to look good enough to not be so extremely self-conscious, I'm not sure I'll be able to go at all.

Robot now, Human later.

I absolutely love The Ropes.They're excessively fantastic.

I can't remember the majority of this week. I really can't. I know I ate loads Saturday and Sunday, but everything goes blank Monday - Thursday. I know I ate school at lunch numerous times, but I really can't remember what days specifically. I know I didn't eat Lunch on Friday, though, though I did binge a purge when I got home. Oddly enough, even though I've been doing so badly, I only gained a pound.

This week has, in all honesty, SUCKED. I had three major projects all due Friday - Thankfully, we weren't all able to present Friday, so my group has extra time to work on it. I stayed up all night on Thursday finishing a fifty slide PowerPoint for Economics, and ended up not doing anything for the thousand-word essay - also for Economics - due that day. Because I stayed up all night, Thursday and Friday have sort of blended together, it's so odd. I stayed awake for a total of about 40 hours straight, but then passed out around nine last night.

Three good things actually came out of all this. (1) I discovered my new favorite drink - Vault Zero! It actually tastes good, for a diet drink, and it hypes me up for hours! I drank 2 bottles (about five servings, so five calories.) on Friday. That was all I had during school that day besides a bite of cake that my friend made me eat and I had TONS of energy until my last block, Literature, when I completely crashed. (2) My metabolism has gotten a HUGE boost from my semi-normal eating habits this past week. I'm not going to stay this way, though. I'm fasting today through Monday, but I'm just going to restrict to 300 calories maximum Tuesday - Friday, because I have finals and it wouldn't be good for me to be distracted and lightheaded. (3) I discovered that I need to use the bristly end of the toothbrush to make myself throw up. I always used the smooth end, and although it worked like a charm at first, it's almost entirely ineffective now - but my new bristly-end-of-the-toothbrush technique is AMAZING. I mean, everything just comes up like MAGIC. It's awesome. Still, I'm not going to binge anymore. I'll just use it if my friends or my mom somehow end up making me eat.

The oddest thing is even though I've basically been doing terribly this week, everything else has been great. All of my classes were fun, every day - as far as I can remember - was filled to the brim with hilariousness and retardation, the guy I like complimented my hat on Thursday after the talent whow at my school which I greatly enjoyed, and I spent an hour IMing the mystery person behind the fake account that's infamous all around my school. I love it. We discussed how he is a 'kat', a tortoise, and chipmunk, likes to carve soap and eat dirt and how if he eats grass, he'll die. yes. It was quite fun.

These people aren't your friends.

I don't know if it's coincidence or what, but it seems that almost every time I'm writing a blog entry, I'm listening to the Postal Service. The title is a segment of lyrics from one of their - in my opinion - awesomest songs. Guess it and you get a hug!

Anywho, my fast went successfully today. I feel so much better! I always feel so dirty and disgusting when I'm stuffed with all that revolting food; It makes me wonder why I binge in the first place! All it does is make me unhappy and unsatisfied and angry. I confuse myself so much. Of course, I still feel somewhat dirty from the fat, but I'll get rid of it in due time.

I've noticed something odd in the past few weeks - It's becoming increasingly harder for me to purge. At first - once I got it down - all I had to do was stick my fingers down my throat and EVERYTHING would come up, but now it's come to the point where I have to reach really far down my throat and press a lot and shove a plunger handle into my stomach, only to end up only getting less than half of it out. It sucks! I guess because I've done it so much, my body's adapted to make it really hard to get food out of it. It's trying to survive, I guess. Well, I suppose that's a good thing. Binging and purging is, in actuality, much worse for you than restricting and fasting. Since I'm considering myself unable to purge, I won't allow myself to binge. I can't just say 'Well why not? I'll just purge it all out and it'll be fine.' anymore. Because it won't be 'fine.' It'll make me fatter, and that just won't do, now will it?

My mom really pisses me off when she asks me to go somewhere or do something with her, then gives me no choice and forces me into it. Like today: She asked me to go to the gym with her, but I usually stay home while she goes with her friend. My mom's friend was working today, and she didn't want to go alone. We're members at two gyms: the one that I like is older and has not-so-nice equipment, but much fewer people. The one that I like isn't open on Sundays, and my mom's been on a weight loss thing, so she's determined to go. I say I'd rather not. She pleads with me for a bit, then gets all angry and forces me to come. I end up in the sitting area reading for an hour while she walks around the indoor track. Yeah, I know, it was a golden opportunity to exercise, but I can't stand working out with so many people around me! It just freaks me out! I'm not anti-social or anything, but I get uncomfortable and excessively self-conscious when I'm surrounded by people I don't know. It pisses me off almost as much when she incessantly pesters me about what I ate that day, but nothing - and I mean NOTHING - ticks me off more than when she makes me eat after I've done well on a fasting day. It ruins everything, and it's not even my fault. <-- I think that stuff pisses me off so badly for the simple reason that they take control away from me, and I can't stand that. God, I'm such a weirdo...

EFFITY EFFING SHIZ.

This BLOWS. I love breaks from school, but they're not so great when my mom goes out and buys half of the freaking grocery's stock. I'm too scared to weigh myself right now, but I took ten semi-mild laxatives, so I'm going to die in about, eh, four to eleven hours. So I suppose I'll weigh myself in the morning after I run to the bathroom a few times. That'll be my starting weight for my new fast. Oh yes, darlings. A new fast is in order. It was supposed to start yesterday, but my friend invited me over at the last minute, and it's not like I had any excuse to say no. I overestimated my willpower and ended up binging like crazy yesterday and today, and I could hardly purge any of it. I intend to fast from tomorrow (It's best to start out on a Sunday anyway, I guess.) until Sunday, December 13th. I have a thing with numbers, so. Yeah.

Well, well, well, what have we here?

I have some bad news and some good news related to the bad news, some more good news related to the bad news, and some more bad news, and some more good news. Bad News One is that I let my willpower crumble and ended up eating Oreos, Milk, Mac n' Cheese, Turkey, gravy, biscuits, and dressing once I got to Kara's and and then church. The Good News Related to the Bad News One is that I didn't actually eat a large amount of the foods - I couldn't. My stomach shrank and I felt sick to my stomach after eating half of what everyone else did. Good News Two is that there will be no more Wednesday Night Supper until next year. Bad News Two is that Thanksgiving is coming up, but the Good News related to those particular bad news is that it's just going to be my mom and me this year, and being immigrants, we don't really make a big deal over Thanksgiving. My mom might work until 3 p.m., then when she comes home we'll eat something and go out somewhere or something. I'm still 'sick' so I'm going to use that in my favor.

I've been exercising a good deal, I burned around 520 calories yesterday and 576 today. Hoping to get those pounds off before I see my friends again.

The assurance of anything and everything is gone.

I accidentally left my Ana Journal in Art I today and almost had a panic attack - I'm not kidding, my heart beat so hard and fast I thought it was going to burst - because of the overwhelming fear that someone would read it. Of course, I didn't immediately realize that I had left it; I didn't realize it until halfway through third block (That's when I go to lunch on A Days, the days I have Math I) and had to go looking through my second block (Economics) and then finally first block (Art 1) to find it. I almost cried I was so happy, but I'm terrified that my teacher read it.

We-hell! I'm on the third day of my week-long fast, and boy and I excited. Seriously, though, it's been so long since I've been able to fast properly without SOMETHING screwing me up right after day two. It's great that I've finally been able to do this right, because the human body usually only starts burning fat around three days into the fast. That's when ketones are released from the actual fat being burned, so I'm hoping to be able to buy some ketone strips (They're available just about anywhere, apparently) soon so I can see when my body starts actually using fat for energy. I've never fasted for more than four days because I always mess up, so I'm determined to make this fast the one that lasts all seven days its supposed to last. I'm a little nervous though: I'm going home with May and September as usual tomorrow so we can go to church - The whole 'Wednesday Night Supper' thing - and I don't know if there's a way I can continue said fast without being suspicious. September knows a little about my ED and says that May is catching on, and since May has lunch with me, I can't lie and say I'm not hungry because I ate a big lunch or something. Maybe I'll bring my green-tea thermos with me and spit my food into it. Of course, my friends and I drink after each other all the time, so someone might try to take a sip and get a mouthful of my chewed up food. Not to mention how guilty I'll feel if I just chew the food without swallowing it. Oh, God. I know I'll HAVE to come, but I don't know what to do! Maybe I can just continue with the whole 'sick' thing I've been doing all this week. Yeah, I guess that's the plan.

Speaking of the sick thing, I've got mom convinced that I've been feeling terrible all week - I lost my voice at the lock in from practicing my growl-scream and yelling over the music at the concert - and I really have been feeling pretty bad. Today at school I started to get back the whole weak, dizzy, black at the corners of my vision thing from fasting. It was one of the happiest moments I've had in a LONG time.

Almost every thought fits neatly on this card.

It really saddens me that a group as amazing as Faded Paper Figures has never been heard of by most. I absolutely adore them and have introduced them to many of my friends, but I still wish they were somewhat more well known. Of course, I still appreciate the fact that I know such an amazing-yet-not-so-popular group, but it would still be nice if more people could be given the chance to listen to them.

Oh well. I've done all I can.

Anywho, the lock-in I went to, while not an absolute disaster, wasn't all that great. There were at least 600 people there, and it was somewhat fun, but I've been to better. There were some live Christian-Rock bands performing, and one of them was pretty good, but the others were so-so. Plus, I talked to the member of one of the bands - the one that I liked, Bottom Line - and he said I looked 16, which made my day: You have no idea. See, I'm fairly short, and I feel and was told once - but it was outside in the middle of the night, and I think he was high - that I look younger than 14, but people usually say that I have more of mature face - I don't get it either, but apparently I have more grown up features, so it's quite nice.

Another upside to the lock-in was that I interacted with my sort-of crush more than usual. We talked a little, I got a fist bump from him *huge smile* and I accidentally said that he was his sister's sister (it was 5 a.m., don't judge.) and he got to see me COMPLETELY out of it and playing hockey with ice cubes across a table with one of my friends. How lovely. I wore pretty purple shortish-shorts and felt quite a bit uncomfortable, but it was really hot with all the people there, and I wasn't the fattest girl there, so I guess it's not so bad. I hope he doesn't think I'm fat. I was told by a friend of mine - she's one of the three that know about my crush - that he used to like this girl I'm acquaintances with who is also a Russian immigrant - WHOO! Who knows, maybe he has a thing for foreign girls. - and is very skinny, so that gives me motivation.

So basically, I got to reconnect with some old friends, meet some new people, listen to some pretty good music, dance around near a stage, almost get pulled into a hyped-up-Christian mosh pit, and talk to my sort-of-maybe crush.

Even though I did awfully Friday and Saturday, I hardly gained any weight. I haven't eaten anything today, and I'm planning to fast from today until next Sunday, and I'm hoping to lose about 10 lbs - it's possible with the conditioning I'm doing for soccer. I'm doing this fast with a friend of mine who is Mia, so I hope this goes well for the both of us.