These people aren't your friends.

I don't know if it's coincidence or what, but it seems that almost every time I'm writing a blog entry, I'm listening to the Postal Service. The title is a segment of lyrics from one of their - in my opinion - awesomest songs. Guess it and you get a hug!

Anywho, my fast went successfully today. I feel so much better! I always feel so dirty and disgusting when I'm stuffed with all that revolting food; It makes me wonder why I binge in the first place! All it does is make me unhappy and unsatisfied and angry. I confuse myself so much. Of course, I still feel somewhat dirty from the fat, but I'll get rid of it in due time.

I've noticed something odd in the past few weeks - It's becoming increasingly harder for me to purge. At first - once I got it down - all I had to do was stick my fingers down my throat and EVERYTHING would come up, but now it's come to the point where I have to reach really far down my throat and press a lot and shove a plunger handle into my stomach, only to end up only getting less than half of it out. It sucks! I guess because I've done it so much, my body's adapted to make it really hard to get food out of it. It's trying to survive, I guess. Well, I suppose that's a good thing. Binging and purging is, in actuality, much worse for you than restricting and fasting. Since I'm considering myself unable to purge, I won't allow myself to binge. I can't just say 'Well why not? I'll just purge it all out and it'll be fine.' anymore. Because it won't be 'fine.' It'll make me fatter, and that just won't do, now will it?

My mom really pisses me off when she asks me to go somewhere or do something with her, then gives me no choice and forces me into it. Like today: She asked me to go to the gym with her, but I usually stay home while she goes with her friend. My mom's friend was working today, and she didn't want to go alone. We're members at two gyms: the one that I like is older and has not-so-nice equipment, but much fewer people. The one that I like isn't open on Sundays, and my mom's been on a weight loss thing, so she's determined to go. I say I'd rather not. She pleads with me for a bit, then gets all angry and forces me to come. I end up in the sitting area reading for an hour while she walks around the indoor track. Yeah, I know, it was a golden opportunity to exercise, but I can't stand working out with so many people around me! It just freaks me out! I'm not anti-social or anything, but I get uncomfortable and excessively self-conscious when I'm surrounded by people I don't know. It pisses me off almost as much when she incessantly pesters me about what I ate that day, but nothing - and I mean NOTHING - ticks me off more than when she makes me eat after I've done well on a fasting day. It ruins everything, and it's not even my fault. <-- I think that stuff pisses me off so badly for the simple reason that they take control away from me, and I can't stand that. God, I'm such a weirdo...

EFFITY EFFING SHIZ.

This BLOWS. I love breaks from school, but they're not so great when my mom goes out and buys half of the freaking grocery's stock. I'm too scared to weigh myself right now, but I took ten semi-mild laxatives, so I'm going to die in about, eh, four to eleven hours. So I suppose I'll weigh myself in the morning after I run to the bathroom a few times. That'll be my starting weight for my new fast. Oh yes, darlings. A new fast is in order. It was supposed to start yesterday, but my friend invited me over at the last minute, and it's not like I had any excuse to say no. I overestimated my willpower and ended up binging like crazy yesterday and today, and I could hardly purge any of it. I intend to fast from tomorrow (It's best to start out on a Sunday anyway, I guess.) until Sunday, December 13th. I have a thing with numbers, so. Yeah.

Well, well, well, what have we here?

I have some bad news and some good news related to the bad news, some more good news related to the bad news, and some more bad news, and some more good news. Bad News One is that I let my willpower crumble and ended up eating Oreos, Milk, Mac n' Cheese, Turkey, gravy, biscuits, and dressing once I got to Kara's and and then church. The Good News Related to the Bad News One is that I didn't actually eat a large amount of the foods - I couldn't. My stomach shrank and I felt sick to my stomach after eating half of what everyone else did. Good News Two is that there will be no more Wednesday Night Supper until next year. Bad News Two is that Thanksgiving is coming up, but the Good News related to those particular bad news is that it's just going to be my mom and me this year, and being immigrants, we don't really make a big deal over Thanksgiving. My mom might work until 3 p.m., then when she comes home we'll eat something and go out somewhere or something. I'm still 'sick' so I'm going to use that in my favor.

I've been exercising a good deal, I burned around 520 calories yesterday and 576 today. Hoping to get those pounds off before I see my friends again.

The assurance of anything and everything is gone.

I accidentally left my Ana Journal in Art I today and almost had a panic attack - I'm not kidding, my heart beat so hard and fast I thought it was going to burst - because of the overwhelming fear that someone would read it. Of course, I didn't immediately realize that I had left it; I didn't realize it until halfway through third block (That's when I go to lunch on A Days, the days I have Math I) and had to go looking through my second block (Economics) and then finally first block (Art 1) to find it. I almost cried I was so happy, but I'm terrified that my teacher read it.

We-hell! I'm on the third day of my week-long fast, and boy and I excited. Seriously, though, it's been so long since I've been able to fast properly without SOMETHING screwing me up right after day two. It's great that I've finally been able to do this right, because the human body usually only starts burning fat around three days into the fast. That's when ketones are released from the actual fat being burned, so I'm hoping to be able to buy some ketone strips (They're available just about anywhere, apparently) soon so I can see when my body starts actually using fat for energy. I've never fasted for more than four days because I always mess up, so I'm determined to make this fast the one that lasts all seven days its supposed to last. I'm a little nervous though: I'm going home with May and September as usual tomorrow so we can go to church - The whole 'Wednesday Night Supper' thing - and I don't know if there's a way I can continue said fast without being suspicious. September knows a little about my ED and says that May is catching on, and since May has lunch with me, I can't lie and say I'm not hungry because I ate a big lunch or something. Maybe I'll bring my green-tea thermos with me and spit my food into it. Of course, my friends and I drink after each other all the time, so someone might try to take a sip and get a mouthful of my chewed up food. Not to mention how guilty I'll feel if I just chew the food without swallowing it. Oh, God. I know I'll HAVE to come, but I don't know what to do! Maybe I can just continue with the whole 'sick' thing I've been doing all this week. Yeah, I guess that's the plan.

Speaking of the sick thing, I've got mom convinced that I've been feeling terrible all week - I lost my voice at the lock in from practicing my growl-scream and yelling over the music at the concert - and I really have been feeling pretty bad. Today at school I started to get back the whole weak, dizzy, black at the corners of my vision thing from fasting. It was one of the happiest moments I've had in a LONG time.

Almost every thought fits neatly on this card.

It really saddens me that a group as amazing as Faded Paper Figures has never been heard of by most. I absolutely adore them and have introduced them to many of my friends, but I still wish they were somewhat more well known. Of course, I still appreciate the fact that I know such an amazing-yet-not-so-popular group, but it would still be nice if more people could be given the chance to listen to them.

Oh well. I've done all I can.

Anywho, the lock-in I went to, while not an absolute disaster, wasn't all that great. There were at least 600 people there, and it was somewhat fun, but I've been to better. There were some live Christian-Rock bands performing, and one of them was pretty good, but the others were so-so. Plus, I talked to the member of one of the bands - the one that I liked, Bottom Line - and he said I looked 16, which made my day: You have no idea. See, I'm fairly short, and I feel and was told once - but it was outside in the middle of the night, and I think he was high - that I look younger than 14, but people usually say that I have more of mature face - I don't get it either, but apparently I have more grown up features, so it's quite nice.

Another upside to the lock-in was that I interacted with my sort-of crush more than usual. We talked a little, I got a fist bump from him *huge smile* and I accidentally said that he was his sister's sister (it was 5 a.m., don't judge.) and he got to see me COMPLETELY out of it and playing hockey with ice cubes across a table with one of my friends. How lovely. I wore pretty purple shortish-shorts and felt quite a bit uncomfortable, but it was really hot with all the people there, and I wasn't the fattest girl there, so I guess it's not so bad. I hope he doesn't think I'm fat. I was told by a friend of mine - she's one of the three that know about my crush - that he used to like this girl I'm acquaintances with who is also a Russian immigrant - WHOO! Who knows, maybe he has a thing for foreign girls. - and is very skinny, so that gives me motivation.

So basically, I got to reconnect with some old friends, meet some new people, listen to some pretty good music, dance around near a stage, almost get pulled into a hyped-up-Christian mosh pit, and talk to my sort-of-maybe crush.

Even though I did awfully Friday and Saturday, I hardly gained any weight. I haven't eaten anything today, and I'm planning to fast from today until next Sunday, and I'm hoping to lose about 10 lbs - it's possible with the conditioning I'm doing for soccer. I'm doing this fast with a friend of mine who is Mia, so I hope this goes well for the both of us.

Strawberry Fields Forever.

Today at lunch, when I looked at my friends chomping down on their food the realization that people are disgusting when they eat dawned on me. I mean, I was repulsed by the them when they ate: Nasty, saliva coated tid-bits on their lips, disgusting munching sounds, hands touching food - EUGH. I don't know if my friends have especially have gross eating habits or what, but it made me not want to eat. It drives away any want to eat. Gross.

I guess I sort of owe them, huh?

(These names are fake, for the privacy of myself and the people associated.)

I'll be your grapes, fermented bottle..

Oh, how I love The Postal Service - the music group, not the service thing.

Ahem, anyway, I'm extremely peeved for two reasons: 1) The first day of my new fast went by without a glitch, and I would've easily been able to continue on, but the lady I was riding home with after school (she's my friend's aunt and a friend of my mom's) brought me and my friend - we'll call her May for privacy's sake - Five Guy's fries, burgers, and Cokes for the ride home, and I didn't even want it - nor did I at all enjoy anything but the fries and I had to add salt, of course - but I couldn't get away with turning the food down because May has lunch at the same time as me and knew that I didn't eat lunch, and seeing as she's one of my closest friends, she knows I never eat breakfast either. Plus, according to one of my other close friends - We'll call her September. September knows a very small bit about my ED. - May is catching on about my ED, too, and September bitched at me for it. Of course, not only did she go on about how bad it was for me, but she actually had the nerve to say 'Think about what you're doing to May. She's already gone through so much, she doesn't need to burden of you starving yourself.' It pissed me off to no end. I'm doing this FOR MYSELF, not for anyone else, so how the hell is telling me that I'm being selfish going to make me start eating normally again? Total bullshit.

So, today I fasted again and I'm going to keep on fasting until someone makes me eat; And even if someone manages to force me into eating or I have to do it in order to avoid suspicion, I'll eat as little as I can possibly get away with, drink loads of water, and purge it a bit later. My weight this morning was 95.5 lbs, which is SHIT. I was down to 82 lbs a month or two ago, and I let it get this bad. I'm only a few pounds from my starting weight at this point! THIS SUCKS. Oh well, at least I'm back on track now. I'm a bit worried, though: I'm going to a lock-in this Friday, and I'm terrified that I'll binge! But the guy I like - sort of, kind of, a little - is going, so I hope that'll keep me motivated to not eat anything!

I've never tried this before:

The whole blogging thing. Hmm. I've thought about it numerous times, believe me, and I attempted having one when I was in sixth grade, but then I realized that it served no purpose, so I forgot about it... Actually, it's still floating around out there, wasting space -- OK. I'm rambling, sorry. Anywho, this is my first blog that I actually plan to keep up with, which will hopefully keep me motivated. I'm actually a bit nervous about this. God, I hope no one I know ever reads this stuff. It'd be absolutely dreadful.

I'll start off with a rant: As I'm sure so many teenagers have said before me - and I do realize how cliche this is - MY MOM IS RUINING EVERYTHING FOR ME. I love my mom, I really do. I love her more than anyone else in the world, but she's making things so much harder than they have to be. I mean, really. The other day, she threatened to ground me if I lost any more weight. I almost punched the wall, I was so angry. She thinks she can control me to the point where I'll have no choice but to eat. BAHAH, the trick's on you, mother dear. I can hide it. I can lie better than you think, and I can sure as hell resist the food you throw at me. Oh wow, I seem like such a weirdo; babbling to my mom who isn't currently there via the internet. Ahem, so I fasted on Thursday and Friday and was excessively proud and excited considering I hadn't been able to fast properly for ages, and was going to continue my fast until I weighed 80 lbs. Well guess what? Saturday, Mom decided to pack up some food and have a picnic. A freaking picnic. So, of course, I binged and binged and binged until I skyrocketed from 89.5 to 97. In two days. Of course, all of that was the actual mass of the food, not fat or anything, but still! It's all in my system. I was so disgusted, you have no idea. SO today I fasted and am going to continue fasting for fourteen more days, hopefully getting my weight down to around 80-something. Wish me luck!