These people aren't your friends.

I don't know if it's coincidence or what, but it seems that almost every time I'm writing a blog entry, I'm listening to the Postal Service. The title is a segment of lyrics from one of their - in my opinion - awesomest songs. Guess it and you get a hug!

Anywho, my fast went successfully today. I feel so much better! I always feel so dirty and disgusting when I'm stuffed with all that revolting food; It makes me wonder why I binge in the first place! All it does is make me unhappy and unsatisfied and angry. I confuse myself so much. Of course, I still feel somewhat dirty from the fat, but I'll get rid of it in due time.

I've noticed something odd in the past few weeks - It's becoming increasingly harder for me to purge. At first - once I got it down - all I had to do was stick my fingers down my throat and EVERYTHING would come up, but now it's come to the point where I have to reach really far down my throat and press a lot and shove a plunger handle into my stomach, only to end up only getting less than half of it out. It sucks! I guess because I've done it so much, my body's adapted to make it really hard to get food out of it. It's trying to survive, I guess. Well, I suppose that's a good thing. Binging and purging is, in actuality, much worse for you than restricting and fasting. Since I'm considering myself unable to purge, I won't allow myself to binge. I can't just say 'Well why not? I'll just purge it all out and it'll be fine.' anymore. Because it won't be 'fine.' It'll make me fatter, and that just won't do, now will it?

My mom really pisses me off when she asks me to go somewhere or do something with her, then gives me no choice and forces me into it. Like today: She asked me to go to the gym with her, but I usually stay home while she goes with her friend. My mom's friend was working today, and she didn't want to go alone. We're members at two gyms: the one that I like is older and has not-so-nice equipment, but much fewer people. The one that I like isn't open on Sundays, and my mom's been on a weight loss thing, so she's determined to go. I say I'd rather not. She pleads with me for a bit, then gets all angry and forces me to come. I end up in the sitting area reading for an hour while she walks around the indoor track. Yeah, I know, it was a golden opportunity to exercise, but I can't stand working out with so many people around me! It just freaks me out! I'm not anti-social or anything, but I get uncomfortable and excessively self-conscious when I'm surrounded by people I don't know. It pisses me off almost as much when she incessantly pesters me about what I ate that day, but nothing - and I mean NOTHING - ticks me off more than when she makes me eat after I've done well on a fasting day. It ruins everything, and it's not even my fault. <-- I think that stuff pisses me off so badly for the simple reason that they take control away from me, and I can't stand that. God, I'm such a weirdo...